Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

no

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂