Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution