Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

(grounding my kid) go outside.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.