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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Whoa 😂
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.