Who comes up with this kinda stuff
You Might Also Like
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally