Who comes up with this kinda stuff
You Might Also Like
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.