Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’ve had relationships like this
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy