Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
meow
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN