Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG