Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.