Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Hey I worked for it too!
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed