Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Doggies just call it style.

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

Expect the unexporcupine.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

being a writer on Twitter:

😂

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”