Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.