Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye