Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you