Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
You Might Also Like
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy