Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
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Monday?
No. Next question.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Noah was an idiot.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
who did the taste test?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.