Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
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Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
stop
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”