Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
You Might Also Like
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Haha good job!!
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
TODAY
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan