Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do