Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”