Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you