Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.