Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
You can’t rush stupid.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!