Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole