Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
