who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
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Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
how it started vs how it ended
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”