who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
🤣🤣🤣
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.