“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.