Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I’m not yelling you’re yelling, she yelled
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.