@Dr_awfulpants

Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?

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@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@LilyRoseLynn

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

@junejuly12

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

@Phantasmagoriax

If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.