Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
respect
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”