Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has