Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

A bold strategy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

lost dog

going to the ER y’all need anything

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.