Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Wikigenius
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.