Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*