Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
mentally somewhere in italy
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.