Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
You Might Also Like
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
me irl
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.