Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Brilliant!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.