Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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live long and prosper!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.