Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.