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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
This has made my week.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS