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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.