who did the taste test?
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Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse