WHO DID THIS?
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.