WHO DID THIS?
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.