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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off