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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
cause of death:
autopsy.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’