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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.