Who.
Did.
This?
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First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
me, too, girl. me, too.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail