WHO DID THIS?
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Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.