Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.