Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.