Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

reminder

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?