Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.