Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Interior design 👌
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Hmmmmmmm….
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
The news in a nutshell.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.