Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Jail
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
they finally got him. they got macavity
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Can I donate fat instead of blood?