Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
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Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.