Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.