Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

My life coach traded me.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Wise advice

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.