Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Muppet Screams

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

🤣

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

when someone compliments me

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

How do you like your Corgi?

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.