Who does Amazon think I am?
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Can’t, holding a grudge
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Uh oh…
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
The Sun
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!