I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam