Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.

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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.


*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
“You ready?”
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*


Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …


Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”


Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.


Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.


I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.


I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”