Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.

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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.


I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty


Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.


Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.


A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.


Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best


I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.


*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”


5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.