If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.
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*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
M: See you in a week!
Me: “Breath mint?”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”