Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Remember folks 😂
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
A fake ID that makes you younger
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”