Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Catercrombie & Fish
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”