Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true