Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon