Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
🤣😂
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…