Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*