Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

This made me chuckle.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart