Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway