Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

*checks Timeline*…

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.