Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
We need it on priority
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???